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Getting Control of My Life

OK - I know, I know, I know.  I do this a lot.  But, for some reason, this time feels completely different.

I have struggled with my weight for years.  It seems like when KayeLynn was three years old and diagnosed with leukemia, I lost all control of my own self and started to gain weight.  I was never good with diet, I never had to be as a child and a young woman.  I could eat an entire pizza and nothing phased me.  Well, growing up, having children, living life - things change.  Honestly, I had no idea how to change it.  I never had to watch what I ate - and I didn't.  Plain and simple.  I raised my kids on fast food, fattening food, "what's for dessert" and not a lot of activity.

A couple years after George died, I decided I was going to get control of my life.  I joined Weight Watchers.  I had a lot of success with it.  With some ups and downs.  I lost around fifty pounds and I kept it off.  Kept it off for almost two years.  But - alas - life gets in the way.  I met some guy (who had lost 100 pounds) and we started a life together.  For the next few years, Ted and I ate more food, got more sedentary and the weight came back.  AARGH!!!!

Over the last eleven years, I've done some things to lose it again.  I joined Weight Watchers a couple more times - only to not be committed and I would have a rough time and would lose interest.  I did HCG.  Now, HCG was wonderful, but not.  I lost thirty pounds.  I looked great.  BUT, after you stop injecting yourself with a hormone and once you stop eating only 500 calories a day - guess what happens - the weight comes back and your whole metabolism is so screwed up, all you have to do is look at a candy bar, cookie, high calorie meal and you gain five pounds.

Last year, I had talked myself into getting lap band surgery.  It was my last resort.  I was tired of achy ankles, tired of achy knees and I decided it was time to do something drastic.  It was paying for it that was the problem - as I didn't have $10,000 sitting in my pocket - and being on the Health Care Marketplace insurance - with a very high deductible - and they absolutely DO NOT pay for weight loss surgery.  So, that was not going to happen.

I did some soul searching.  What had worked for me before?  What did I need to do to be committed to doing this?  Was I ready to put in the time and energy to do it?  The answer was always Weight Watchers.  So, I made my mind up, as soon as my Girl Scout cookies were gone (I bought a whole lot to support the cutest Girl Scout in the land!), I was going back to Weight Watchers.  So, on April 20, I went to my fourth very first meeting.   Eight weeks later - I've lost every week.  This week, I was sure I had not lost because I'm retaining some water - but, I knew I needed to go to the meeting to keep myself on track.  I ended up losing one pound.   This week, I got my 5% charm.  It signifies that I lost five percent of my weight.

This time it feels different.  I went in this, not so much to lose weight, but to get healthy.  And I felt that as I got healthy, weight loss would come with the healthy.  My focus is different.  I'm trying to avoid sugar.  I'm eating more fruit and more veggies.  I'm making my recipes more healthy.  I'm avoiding eating out.

I don't know if I'll keep my focus.  I hope I do.  I want to do this on my own.  I really wish I could get Ted to go with me, just so we could do it together.  But, it has to be his choice.  In the mean time, I'm going to keep on trying to keep my focus.  I'm going to keep telling myself that I'm worth it.  I'm going to keep the idea that one day, I'll be able to wear that cute little uniform dress without feeling self conscious.


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