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Complacency is the Devil

The jeans I pulled out of my closet.
Broken down into goals.
I've been frustrated.  I've been irritated.  I've been mad.  I've been angry.  I've been complacent.  I've been complacent for eight years.  Now I just hate myself.  I feel ugly.  I feel old.  I feel fat.  I feel unhealthy.  I feel disgusting.  Mostly because I just feel unhealthy.

Stack one - Goal one
Stack two - Goal two.
Yesterday, I went out shopping for a beautiful dress to wear to Ted's Civil Air Patrol banquet.  We haven't been for a few years.  I don't think they really had many in the last few years.  I think the last one was three years ago in St. George.  Ted didn't decide to go until Wednesday or Thursday  I guess the outgoing Wing Commander kept asking him if he was going and he finally relented.  I didn't have a lot to wear  Well - I did.  I have a closet full of clothes.  Alot of which I never wear.  So I went out shopping.  I bought a lot of stuff!!. Just couldn't pass it up.

Long term goal - Goal three
Problem was, I didn't really have room in my closet. for them.  So, today I made the decision to make room.  I went through all the stuff hanging there.  After pulling out shirts that I haven't worn or that don't really fit anymore, I started on the pants/jeans.  Pulled out nine pair of jeans, one skirt and three pair of dress pants.  I started looking at the sizes.  About four pair of jeans, the skirt and the three dress pants are just a matter of a few pounds.  Probably five to ten.  The next stack is that next size down.  Probably 25 pounds, maybe 30.  Then I realized I had some that were even smaller - probably at least 50 pounds!!  I had no idea they were still in my closet. But, they became the long term goal.

Kathy Bates personified??
My hair looks really funky here
Didn't really look that bad up
close
I don't want to be paper thin.  I want to be healthy.  I've let things get totally out of control.  While Ted has been doing really well, I feel like I am contributing to his plateau.  He's around fifty pounds lighter and stagnant.  It's so easy to get back into bad habits.  I know.  I am the queen of bad habits.

Two nights ago, we went to Bingo at the church.  We do it pretty much every Friday, unless we have other plans.  I'm standing in line for my dinner and this woman in front of me looks at me like she wants to say something.  She says, "you know when you see someone and they look like someone?  Like someone famous?  I saw you and I thought you were Kathy Bates.".  I just sat there.  Not sure what to say.  Not sure how to react.  Don't get me wrong, I find Kathy Bates beautiful.  But, she's also sixteen years older than me. What the Freak (really wanted to say a really bad word here, but, I withheld)!!!!!  Plus, when I look in the mirror, I don't see me as heavy as she has been.  I just bumbled through and said, "as long as it's not the crazy person she played in Misery".  But, deep down I was rather hurt.
Posing - yeah, let's
make that gut look
Big and Large!!!

That brings me back to last night.  I was trying to get Ted to get a good picture of me in my dress.  He took like six of them.  Couldn't find one that I liked.  All I saw was Kathy Bates.  When we got there, there was another woman there.  She never spoke one word to me, but, she chatted to some of the men there.  She was sitting there crocheting.  I kind of found that odd - crocheting at a formal event.  But, the thing that struck me is that she was kind of dowdy.  I felt bad for thinking it.  She had let the gray grow from her colored hair about three inches, maybe she decided to just go gray, I don't know.  But, she looked about ten years older than her husband.  There was no attempt to really look nice.  I don't want to be that dowdy woman.  I want to care what Ted thinks when I go out with him.  I want him to be proud of who he has on his arm.  I always want him to call me his "trophy wife".

I've YO-YO'd long enought!!!  Time to change.  Time to move on.  Time to work on healthy.  Time to get the old jeans back in my closet.  Time to stop feeling sorry for myself.  Time to get off the couch.  Time to move.  Time to get back into shape. Time to live.

P.S.  The reason the Wing Commander wanted Ted to go was because he was getting an award.  A well-deserved award.  He's pretty dang awesome.
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