Skip to main content

Big Baby!!


So, I tend to have a very sensitive side. It's a side that I don't like to show AT ALL!! A side that when I get my feelings hurt, I just want to hide somewhere and cry.

That's how I felt today. And, really, it was stupid. I hate this side of me. I guess those old inadequacies started to erupt again; those ones where you feel like you're outside, where you aren't part of a group, where you feel like that geeky, awkward kid that has no friends. The part I hate is that I let stupid shit get to me the way I do. Why would I let something so insignificant get to me? I guess I just get frustrated that I work really hard at trying to make everyone happy, I work hard to try to see everyone's side, I am always the devil's advocate; but, it doesn't matter, I still end up getting walked all over at times. And, it's always the stupid stuff that sets me off. Not getting invited to lunch?? Why would that upset me so bad??

I work really hard to not let my emotions show. If I cry, I want it to be at a stupid movie, but not because I am feeling an emotion. If I cry, I want it to be because I am crying with or for someone else, but not because I am feeling an emotion. If I cry, I want it to be because I am sad about someone else's situation, but not because I am feeling an emotion. I don't ever want to cry because I am sad for myself - especially because I was left out of the lunch date. And I really don't want someone to feel pity on me and then do something out of sympathy, either. I don't like to be pitied, I hate that worse than showing emotion!!
Labels:

Comments

  1. UnknownAugust 16, 2010 at 5:19 PM

    Colleen, I really think you and I are kindred spirits(only your a little nicer than me). I get the same way next time that happens you call me and WE'LL go out to lunch together! We were talking about crying in line up. I cry when I get super nervous...like when I interviewed with you guys it took everything in me to hold back the tears welling up. Next time you need a hug no matter what you tell me missy!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. NatalieAugust 19, 2010 at 12:23 AM

    Make that 3. I feel the EXACT same way, except I don't cry. I just get pissed & upset & wonder WTH did I do wrong? I've been feeling like that lately about a good friend, but what can I do??
    It really sucks. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who never lets anything bother them. (but I'm not).

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

CoCo's Journey - How Did I Get Here??

Malabsorption - definition - Malabsorption is a state arising from abnormality of food nutrients across the gastrointestinal tract.  Impairment can be single or multiple nutrients depending on the abnormality.  This may lead to malnutrition and a variety of anaemias (blood disorders). I have heard the term before.  But the first time I had heard it in response to me was a little over a week ago.  I was with my roommate daughter at her appointment and her doctor pointed to IVY and said, what's up with that??  So I told him.  And he said, people have no idea how hard it is when you have malabsorption.  People think you can just eat to make it better, but you can't. So let's go to the beginning.... If you have known me at all in the last few decades, you know that I was "morbidly obese".  I topped out at 245 pounds.  I had Type 2 Diabetes, high blood pressure, thyroid disease and stomach issues (gerd) for the last couple of decades and had taken...
12 comments
Read more

CoCo's Journey - Answers!! Finally!!!

 Today I finally got answers!!!  I do not have Cirrhosis!!!  I am Pre-Cirrhotic.  Very close to that precipice but still not falling over the edge and falling into a place that I cannot get out of.  I had seen my gastric bypass doctor a while ago - and was given the wrong information.  I think he was looking at the headline and had not read the story.  It's something I'm good at, too.   My doctor explained that when I was overweight, the fat in my body was damaging my liver.  Then I had gastric bypass and that should have helped my fatty liver.  But, then I wasn't able to absorb the calories, so I became malnourished. My liver was not getting the proteins I needed in order to supply my body with the proper nourishment.  Every organ you have needs protein, and it starts in the liver.  So - the malnourishment started to affect my liver.  Leading to the state I'm in now. The thing I need to work on is getting off the diu...
2 comments
Read more

CoCo's Journey - An update -- of sorts

 I was asked for an update.  So - I waited until my last appointment with my liver doctor to see what he was going to say.  What we were going to do.  What the hell is going on.   So - a little recap.  Mid August I was admitted to the hospital due to liver disease.  The initial diagnosis was cirrhosis of the liver due to malnutrition, which was caused by malabsorption. After a biopsy, that diagnosis was changed to pre-cirrhosis.  I had over two liters of fluid removed from my belly by needle aspiration the first day.  I left the hospital five days later with a PICC line with IV nutrition.  IV nutrition supplemented my regular diet for four months.  My PICC line was removed in December and now it's a matter of how my body adjusts as to what the steps are. Since August and having the IV nutrition, I gained over 40 pounds.  I was a little over 140 pounds when they disconnected IVY (my PICC line/nutrition/bag - that's her name...
3 comments
Read more