Skip to main content

Big Baby!!


So, I tend to have a very sensitive side. It's a side that I don't like to show AT ALL!! A side that when I get my feelings hurt, I just want to hide somewhere and cry.

That's how I felt today. And, really, it was stupid. I hate this side of me. I guess those old inadequacies started to erupt again; those ones where you feel like you're outside, where you aren't part of a group, where you feel like that geeky, awkward kid that has no friends. The part I hate is that I let stupid shit get to me the way I do. Why would I let something so insignificant get to me? I guess I just get frustrated that I work really hard at trying to make everyone happy, I work hard to try to see everyone's side, I am always the devil's advocate; but, it doesn't matter, I still end up getting walked all over at times. And, it's always the stupid stuff that sets me off. Not getting invited to lunch?? Why would that upset me so bad??

I work really hard to not let my emotions show. If I cry, I want it to be at a stupid movie, but not because I am feeling an emotion. If I cry, I want it to be because I am crying with or for someone else, but not because I am feeling an emotion. If I cry, I want it to be because I am sad about someone else's situation, but not because I am feeling an emotion. I don't ever want to cry because I am sad for myself - especially because I was left out of the lunch date. And I really don't want someone to feel pity on me and then do something out of sympathy, either. I don't like to be pitied, I hate that worse than showing emotion!!
Labels:

Comments

  1. UnknownAugust 16, 2010 at 5:19 PM

    Colleen, I really think you and I are kindred spirits(only your a little nicer than me). I get the same way next time that happens you call me and WE'LL go out to lunch together! We were talking about crying in line up. I cry when I get super nervous...like when I interviewed with you guys it took everything in me to hold back the tears welling up. Next time you need a hug no matter what you tell me missy!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. NatalieAugust 19, 2010 at 12:23 AM

    Make that 3. I feel the EXACT same way, except I don't cry. I just get pissed & upset & wonder WTH did I do wrong? I've been feeling like that lately about a good friend, but what can I do??
    It really sucks. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who never lets anything bother them. (but I'm not).

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

CoCo's Journey - Mortality Reality

This week has been one for the books.  There has been some good things, not so good things and more.  I will explain. Last Saturday, my daughter and I drove to Idaho Falls.  We went to visit my bonus daughter and her family.  I wasn't feeling great.  But I wasn't feeling horrible.  By the time I got home, I had a lot of swelling.  I have been dealing with that for a few months.  I had started to see a specialist about my liver and my pancreas.  I had recently started a medication, it is a very pricey medication, but it's supposed to help me break down calories and nutrients so that my body absorbs them.  Even though I eat, my body was just shedding the nutrients and food I was eating and making it so I was not gaining weight.  I was 95 pounds.  And nothing I did would gain weight.  But I've gained 20 pounds over the last few months.  My clothes were uncomfortable.  But, I don't know if it's just the water retenti...
6 comments
Read more

CoCo's Journey - TPN Me!!

 I just decided to do another post after spending my first night in my own bed with my new sexy bed partner.  TPN. TPN - Total Parenteral Nutrition.  Calories, vitamins, minerals and all that delivered through an intravenous line. PICC line -  A little stronger and more durable than a regular IV line.  It's inserted, via ultrasound, into a vein.  Mine is in my upper right arm.   IV Pump - an electrical system that pumps the IV fluid from my bag into my veins.   In essence, I have an IV bag, when first attached to my PICC line, it probably weighs 15 to 20 pounds.  It is kept in a backpack, so I can be mobile.  I have the pump plugged in, to keep it charged, when I'm not mobile and trying to get my home back in order after being gone for five days in the hospital. Me and my sexy new bed partner.  I know, I'm gorgeous.  Skinnier than a prepubescent 12-year-old boy and a mess.  Don't judge.  I'm working on it!! ...
1 comment
Read more

CoCo's Journey - How Did I Get Here??

Malabsorption - definition - Malabsorption is a state arising from abnormality of food nutrients across the gastrointestinal tract.  Impairment can be single or multiple nutrients depending on the abnormality.  This may lead to malnutrition and a variety of anaemias (blood disorders). I have heard the term before.  But the first time I had heard it in response to me was a little over a week ago.  I was with my roommate daughter at her appointment and her doctor pointed to IVY and said, what's up with that??  So I told him.  And he said, people have no idea how hard it is when you have malabsorption.  People think you can just eat to make it better, but you can't. So let's go to the beginning.... If you have known me at all in the last few decades, you know that I was "morbidly obese".  I topped out at 245 pounds.  I had Type 2 Diabetes, high blood pressure, thyroid disease and stomach issues (gerd) for the last couple of decades and had taken...
12 comments
Read more