Skip to main content

Big Baby!!


So, I tend to have a very sensitive side. It's a side that I don't like to show AT ALL!! A side that when I get my feelings hurt, I just want to hide somewhere and cry.

That's how I felt today. And, really, it was stupid. I hate this side of me. I guess those old inadequacies started to erupt again; those ones where you feel like you're outside, where you aren't part of a group, where you feel like that geeky, awkward kid that has no friends. The part I hate is that I let stupid shit get to me the way I do. Why would I let something so insignificant get to me? I guess I just get frustrated that I work really hard at trying to make everyone happy, I work hard to try to see everyone's side, I am always the devil's advocate; but, it doesn't matter, I still end up getting walked all over at times. And, it's always the stupid stuff that sets me off. Not getting invited to lunch?? Why would that upset me so bad??

I work really hard to not let my emotions show. If I cry, I want it to be at a stupid movie, but not because I am feeling an emotion. If I cry, I want it to be because I am crying with or for someone else, but not because I am feeling an emotion. If I cry, I want it to be because I am sad about someone else's situation, but not because I am feeling an emotion. I don't ever want to cry because I am sad for myself - especially because I was left out of the lunch date. And I really don't want someone to feel pity on me and then do something out of sympathy, either. I don't like to be pitied, I hate that worse than showing emotion!!
Labels:

Comments

  1. UnknownAugust 16, 2010 at 5:19 PM

    Colleen, I really think you and I are kindred spirits(only your a little nicer than me). I get the same way next time that happens you call me and WE'LL go out to lunch together! We were talking about crying in line up. I cry when I get super nervous...like when I interviewed with you guys it took everything in me to hold back the tears welling up. Next time you need a hug no matter what you tell me missy!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. NatalieAugust 19, 2010 at 12:23 AM

    Make that 3. I feel the EXACT same way, except I don't cry. I just get pissed & upset & wonder WTH did I do wrong? I've been feeling like that lately about a good friend, but what can I do??
    It really sucks. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who never lets anything bother them. (but I'm not).

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

CoCo's Journey - Ah, Shit!!!

I am exhausted.  Physically.  Mentally.  Is there anything else??  Because I'm sure that is exhausted, too. I went to the doctor today.  I knew it was going to be a lot of information.  I had made a list.  I had my notebook.  I printed out all of the information from my emergency room visit on Saturday to take with me.  Blood tests.  CT Scan.  Urine test.  Plus, I brought my CT scan from March, because I noticed on it that I have a small umbilical hernia.  I was ready.  And I knew what I needed to fight for. I also came armed with gifts.  I love this doctor and his medical assistant so much.  I took them a gift of tortilla chips and homemade salsa.  And I wrote a love note on the bag.  That is how much I appreciate him.  They both loved it.  It even made Hayley get a little weepy, cuz she was having a bad day. I gave him all of my documents, and he went through the blood tests and such fr...
3 comments
Read more

CoCo's Journey - Purpura?? What is that??

 Defnition: Purpura - noun - the appearance of purple or red spots on the skin and mucous membranes caused by bleeding underneath the skin due to small blood vessels bursting.  These spots can range in size from small dots (petechiae) to larger patches (ecchymosis or bruises) and may indicate underlying health issues.   Sadly, when people see my arms, I get many responses and questions.   From how are you doing?  How are you feeling?  OR what is up with your arms???  My BFF literally said, what the hell is wrong with your arms?? Like I had been out in the parking lot bruising myself up intentionally.  And we had just talked about it a couple of weeks before when she saw it. Are they pretty??  No.  But, they truly are the way I know the status of my health.  Between seeing this stuff show up on my arms and my overall general state of strength lets me know if I should be concerned.   Right now, my arms are actually look...
1 comment
Read more

CoCo's Journey - Sleeping with Jeff AND Camilla

  Well, the day has come and gone.  I got my new and fancy attachment coming out of my face.  It was a horrible experience.  I thought I was going to go absolutely insane and take out the people putting it in me.  But, let's talk about it real quick. I got an NJ tube.  I thought I was going to be getting an NG tube.  What is an NJ tube?  It's a tube for feeding that is placed through the nose and snaked down past the stomach and into the jejunal.  The jejunal is in the small intestine.  The nasojejunal tube is more complex and has a few more risks than the nasogastric tube.  But, apparently, it's the best choice for me.   So let's talk about the actual procedure.  I knew from the beginning, when they squirted lidocaine in my two nostrils to kind of deaden it that it was going to be COMPLETELY horrible!!!  And then needed me to sniff it down to kind of deaden my throat, to make the tube a little more comfortable g...
2 comments
Read more