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Saturday - January 7: KayeLynn (my daughter who is living with and caring for my mother) says my mother is busy talking to someone while in her room, alone. Shortly after, she gets up and is heading to the living room area, talking to someone as she does it. When my daughter hears this, she gets up to find my mother has left her walker in the middle of the floor and is frantic to find the phone When my daughter gets her attention my mother says that she needed to find the phone, because "that woman" told me you passed away - meaning that my daughter KayeLynn had passed away - and that she needed to call me and tell me. This is our first experience and it's a little odd and strange.
Sunday - January 8: KayeLynn says she was talking again, alone in her room. When she woke up and headed to the living room and passed by KayeLynn's door, she was talking to someone as she went by.
Monday - January 9: Mom is still talking during the night. It usually starts around 10:00 at night. KayeLynn says that once she starts talking, she is talking most of the night on and off. KayeLynn tried to get up and get closer to the door so she could hear the conversation, it stopped immediately - like someone knew what KayeLynn was doing and didn't want her to hear. I asked for advice from people on Facebook about their experiences with loved ones going through the same thing. The responses are beautiful and comforting.
Tuesday - January 10: I spent a few hours with Mom. KayeLynn said that she was talking at night. Mom was really tired, shaky and puffy in the face. She went to lay down and after about 45 minutes, she called to me. She asked me who the woman was sitting in the living room. Once I figured out that she wasn't talking about KayeLynn, we started an open dialogue. She said the woman was blonde and I asked if she knew who she was. She said she doesn't know and that she had her head down. I told Mom that I felt it was a guardian angel and that she was watching over her. Mom kind of opened up at that point. She was actually very excited to share. She told me that she has guardian angels and they move like they are on bikes. I asked if that meant they were gliding. She said yes. She said she hasn't ever said anything, because she didn't want anyone to think she was crazy. I asked her if she had seen my daddy. She said he had come and I asked her to tell him that I love him. She told me that he doesn't talk to her and he's never spoke to her. I would ask by name if she had seen people and the people she said were my dad, her brother Bova and her sister Fern. We talked for about thirty to 45 minutes. I asked her a couple of times if the angel was still there. The answer was always yes and that she hadn't moved even an inch. My sister Connie stays with her and talks to her more. She confirms to her that she has seen Bova. I let my cousin, Eva, know that she has seen her dad. That news makes her very happy.
Wednesday - January 11: KayeLynn said Mom talked all night again. This time she was able to hear part of a conversation. She could hear Mom say she didn't really watch any sports. Then she heard Mom say, "well, I like basketball". Then there was a pause and she said, "no, I don't really like football". (My friend Elaine suggested she was talking to Lavell Edwards - who had just passed away - smiley face). Then in the morning, KayeLynn heard something fall - it was a little green candy dish that KayeLynn puts my Mom's meds in at night for her to take. My Mom got a little stern in her voice and said, "now look what you did, you dropped it". KayeLynn said that a little later, around 6:00, she could hear my Mom talking again. She said that she said, "fine, you all disappear when I need you. Aren't you going to turn the light on for me?" KayeLynn is pretty convinced one of the guardians woke her up, so she could go help Mom.
When I visited and watched over Mom while KayeLynn worked, Mom was in bed. I noticed her talking a couple of times while in bed. She is always looking into the left hand upper corner of her room when she is talking when I'm there. KayeLynn has ears like a hawk and can instantly hear when she is talking. It's just very difficult to hear what she is saying. When my Mom first got up when I was there, I went in to help her. There was a perfume or air freshner type smell. I asked KayeLynn if she sprayed something. She said no - but maybe Monica (the shower aide) did. I never smelled it again after that moment.
Thursday - January 12: Mom slept all night long, most of the day. The hospice nurse came today and met with my sister, Connie and me. She said that Mom seemed to be declining and she didn't think she would last more than a few weeks and possibly within a few days. The nurse explains that she is an empath and that she can feel that things are different. She said that Mom talking to angels is a real sign of her passing soon.
Sunday - January 15: Mom seems to have rallied a bit. Though she is still very weak and having trouble with pressure in her chest, she doesn't seem as near death as she seemed a few days ago. A hospital bed was delivered yesterday. Some of the nieces/nephews/spouses were able to come help get her bed to the basement and then we got the new bed in. I think it will help her.
Tuesday - January 17: Mom has been sleeping a lot - as usual. Today, she got up when the shower aide came over. KayeLynn was really tired, probably due to her thyroid levels still being screwed up since she had her thyroid removed. Both the aide and Mom told her to go back to bed. Mom went back to bed and slept until around 11:00. She then got up, yelled at KayeLynn to get up and make her breakfast and that she was hungry. She then said that she was having chest pain and that "today is the day". This made KayeLynn stop dead in her tracks. Mom didn't mention it again. The hospice nurse came to check on her and said that her heart rate was 84 and was just "bouncing". The next time she checked it, it was 108.
Monday - January 23: She's so weak anymore. She needs morphine a lot more. Whenever she is doing anything at all - she starts getting panicked because she can't breathe. We need to calm her down with morphine. It helps her a lot. Some times she needs anti-anxiety, too. It's so hard to watch her decline. Today, she tells me she doesn't know why she's still around.
Wednesday - February 1: She is still very weak, but really no change. She doesn't talk about the angels anymore unless you ask her. She'll say, yeah, they're around. Her dementia is worse - she is convinced she has lost eight teeth. Even if you show her in the mirror that her teeth are still there, she swears they aren't. I told the nurse that at this point, I expect her to be around at her birthday. Her nurse said maybe, but not likely. I guess it's a waiting game.
Sunday - February 19: KayeLynn tells me that she thinks her grandmother has developed the cold that everyone has been fighting this winter. Luckily, my mother has not had to deal with it. I have been worried about her getting it - because I don't think she could survive it.
Monday - February 20: KayeLynn has a doctor appointment, so I go over to sit with mom. KayeLynn had to leave a few minutes before I could get there - as I went to Weight Watchers to weigh in. I stopped at McDonalds to grab an Egg McMuffin for my mom and an Egg White Delight for me. I let her know and she gets up. She is exhausted by walking to the chair. She can barely eat two bites. I talk her into going back to bed. She has a cough and is having a hard time breathing. I realize we need to notify hospice, because there is a real problem. Her nurse, luckily, was on call for the holiday. She examines Mom and says that one of two things is going on.. She either has pneumonia or she is entering active death. Her lungs are filled with fluid. Either way - the end is the same, very little chance she will recover. I spent the night, as I didn't want KayeLynn alone. Her weakness progresses really rapidly. In the middle of the night, she had to go to the bathroom. She could barely stand up, with assistance, long enough to get her ready to sit.
Tuesday - February 21: Rebecca, the nurse, agrees to put a catheter into Mom, as it's very difficult for her to get enough strength to stand up - even for a moment - to get to the commode. Mom's voice is getting raspier and rougher every day. This is probably attributed to the fluid in her lungs. She still recognizes us. My sister, Connie, spends the night with Mom and KayteLynn that night. Mom fell asleep after the catheter, around 6:00 and is still asleep the next morning at 9:00 the next morning when I arrived.
Wednesday - February 22: She sleeps a lot today. I've spent the entire day there and I'm spending the night. She is pretty quiet for the most part. My brother, Russ, comes after his shift. We go in and she wakes up. You can tell she isn't looking at us. She's looking past us. I talk to her and motion to my brother in the room and she doesn't know him and thinks he is a doctor, she says, "Hi Doc". Then she goes back to looking past us. I asked her who she is looking at, she tells me there is a face up there. Around 3:00 in the morning.I hear her talking. I get up and she is very restless and thrashing around. She is coughing a lot. She is continuously talking, talking to someone I can't see. She is speaking words I don't understand. Only occasionally, do I understand what she is saying. She is getting closer to where she is going closer to leaving us. She is going home soon.
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| Waiting to go home. |
Thursday - February 23:. After the rough night, she really is not recognizing any of us. Her voice is horribly raspy and gurgly. She is talking a lot - to people that cannot be seen by us. She sees us - then looks past us. She is closer to there than to here.
Friday - February 24: In the morning, she seemed to recognize people again. My sister went in and she asked her when she had arrived and said that her robe was cute. She was smiling at people. When the nurse came in, she rolled up and looked at her and said, "Oh Hi" with a big smile. She was pretty relaxed the rest of the day and mostly slept.
Saturday - February 25: Very agitated today. She is talking to people that nobody can see. She asks out loud, "well, when are they coming?" And to someone else, "Well, who are you?" and then said "Julie?" or "Judy?" It's hard to get her to calm down once the agitation starts. She doesn't want anything on her. She doesn't want to be touched. I told her today, "mama you can go when you're ready. We'll be ok. We'll take care of each other, we promise".
Sunday - February 26: Last night before I left, I felt that her breathing was a little off and a little strange. But, I thought I was overreacting. I asked KayeLynn to check her breathing before going to sleep. My poor little girl didn't want her alone, so she slept in the recliner next to her hospital bed in my mother's bedroom. KayeLynn slept restless last night. My brother-in-law said that at 1:30, she was awake. At 3:00 she was awake. KayeLynn said she couldn't sleep well, because she was listening to my mother breathing. KayeLynn and my sister gave her medications in the middle of the night. Mama got
I'm so glad she didn't have a hard death. I'm glad she went on her own terms. I was so worried after the agitation and irritation that she suffered over the last couple of days, that her death would be more painful or agitated. But, it wasn't. She went out like a whisper and joined those that had left before her.
I'm gonna miss you mama. But, I'm so glad you're no longer in pain anymore. I hope you and my dad are dancing, singing and just enjoying each other again. I love you. Until we meet again.
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