Facing Reality

This afternoon I went in for a mani and a pedi.  While in there, a little old man walked in and talked to one of the workers there.  Next thing I knew, he was walking in with a woman.  The woman was his wife and she seemed to be very frail and walked with a cane.  He walked her to a chair at the desk to get a manicure.  Just as she got to the chair, she realized she needed to use the restroom.  The gentleman gently and sweetly walked her to the restroom and waited for her, then walked her back to the chair when she was finished.  He then made himself comfortable on a chair in the waiting area while she got her manicure.  It was like one of the sweetest exhibitions of true and complete love I've ever seen.

When you're growing up, you think of your parents as old.  Your parents never seem young to you.  I've suddenly realized that the memories I have of them, I am now older than they are in those memories.  Pictures I look at of them, they are younger than I am now.  Still, to me, they are old.  In the pictures, they are old.  But, they are younger than me.  It's a hard thing to wrap my head around.

Between seeing this little old man and realizing that I am truly in the later third of my life, had me thinking.  Is Ted going to be there to walk me to my chair, wait for me to use the bathroom and wait for me to get that manicure?  He's an amazing man, but I have a panic attack at the idea that I may lose my independence.  And the idea that I may have to count on anyone to get me anywhere really causes me stress.  I'm just not sure how to wrap my head around that, either.

Watching my mother whither away and slowly lose any independence she had really freaked me out.  I just don't like the idea of being a burden to anyone - my husband, my kids, my grandchildren.  I don't like the idea of anyone having to take care of me.  I would rather just fall asleep and not wake up again if it means avoiding that.

I'm very lucky to have Ted in my life.  He's an amazing man.  He's smart.  He's looney.  And he lets me be me.  Just yesterday, I was making chili.  I needed to go to the basement, where Ted's office is, to get some tomato sauce and such to make that chili.  He hears me coming down the stairs and he turns his music up.  It's Halloween, he's playing Dead Man's Party.  The two of us start dancing and swaying to the music and end in a laughing hug.  We're old and goofy like that.  But, that's the fun of it.

I think I'm going to be all right.  I'm growing old with a guy who would probably die for me, but he also promises to take me to manicures when I get too feeble.  Well, he said he would take me there and he would make the nail girl come out and do it in the Jeep.  I'm not sure they will do that.  But, hopefully I don't have to find out too soon.  I'm sure we'll take care of each other until one of us leaves this world.  We'll grouse and grumble and we'll laugh and we'll dance.

I guess nobody knows exactly what the future holds.  Hopefully it's productive and without burden to anyone.