Oh Good Gravy!!!! If This is 50 - I am Terrified of 60!!

So, I turned 50 back in February.  You already know that if you pay attention to this blog at all.  You also know, if you pay attention, that I am always battling my weight.  Well, put those two things together, along with some stress and I am a physical mess!!!

First off, let me tell you if you are squeamish or weak of heart - I would suggest you not continue reading, because I am going to tell you some disgusting and personal stuff.

Obviously at 50, you are of the age you are supposed to do the whole colonoscopy to make sure you don't have colon cancer.  Well, I have not scheduled that yet.  I usually do my annual physical around this time of year.  Being busy at work like I have been (vacation - - what is that??) I haven't been able to schedule my physical.  I will eventually get to it.  Really looking forward to that.  Yeah, I hope you can read sarcasm and such.  Yeah, I know, I have heard it all before.  It's not really the procedure that is bad, it's the night before - the virtual cleanse.  Well, I have been on the receiving end of a barium enema before - let us just say that I have not been able to drink Sprite, 7-Up, Sierra Mist or anything like that since that time - and that was probably over twenty years ago!!  EH, add a lime to it and I can do it - but straight - NOPE!!!

Well, I haven't got to that point, but I will eventually.  So - let's gross you out and tell you about what is going on with my body the last couple of months.

• My first thing is my ankles.  My ankles will literally pop and send this shooting pain through my entire leg.  I can't walk and I will literally scream out loud.  Happens when I am walking on straight pavement, walking up stairs, walking down stairs.  Just walking.  
• Add the knees.  I walk down the stairs and up the stairs like this.  Step up/down with one foot, bring the other foot to the same place.  Step up/down with one foot, bring the other foot to the same place. I watch people just ramble up and down the stairs and I literally cannot remember what it was like to do that.
• My neck.  This has bothered me for years.  A whiplash injury when I was young and doing gymnastics has followed me for all this time.  It is constantly stiff and sore.  The stiffness goes straight down my neck and into my shoulders.  From my shoulders it goes into my back.  Anyone who has attempted to rub my shoulders or massage them are shocked.  They are rock hard because of the knots that are in each and every muscle.
• Insomnia.  I have written about it before.  Some times I sleep pretty good.  But I cannot remember a time that I have not woke up, looked at the clock and saw the time being 2:00.  When I go back to sleep, I don't ever remember a time when I don't wake up and see the time being 3:00.  There are times that I have just had to get up and go about my day.  There was a week a couple of years ago that I literally slept two to four hours a day for about five days straight.  Ted came in on one of those days, to find me in the tub, sobbing hysterically because I was so tired and all I wanted to do was sleep - but, it eluded me.
• My stomach.  My stomach is in constant uproar.  It's like a burning sensation.  You add the littlest bit of stress to me, at any moment, and I am in complete and total roiling, burning pain.  I down Tums when it gets like this like they are candy.  Chomp, chomp, chomp.  That is on top of the prescription stomach medication I have been taking for a long time.  
• I am trying to lose weight.  And I am on a new diet.  This diet is a high protein, low carbohydrate diet.  Along with this is a weekly injection of B-12.  This generally helps in energy levels and such.  I give myself the injection and I do it every Friday.  Yesterday, I inject my B-12 into my hip and then dispose of my needle.  I had just kind of pulled my underwear down a bit and injected myself.  I look over and find this stream of blood going down my butt and soaking my underwear.  Not sure what I hit there - but, it was quite the mess.  Didn't take much to stop it was just a freak out moment.
• With this high protein diet, I have lost twenty pounds over the last two months.  Now, don't be so loud as to applaud or congratulate me.  This is the same twenty pounds I have lost probably four times over the last ten years. It would be really nice if I could just lose it and keep it off.  But, I am also taking a couple of medications to help me in appetite suppressant and such.  One of these medications leave me so dry in the mouth and a horrible taste in my mouth.  I swear to you, I am constantly breathing into my hand to smell my own breath it is comedic.  I have not noticed a gray haze, a green cloud or men in hazmat suits arriving.  But, let's just say, there is always a first time.
• Lastly, the high protein diet has led to my biggest problem at this time.  The technical term is constipation.  Constipation to an extreme.  Now, I don't mind having one day of bowel movements.  That's ok.  I have them on Friday.  Friday is my day off.  Works for me.  However, the bigger problem is that it literally hurts to poop (this is the weak heart/ill stomach I was talking about).  It is the sensation of being ripped apart at that tender part of the body.  The other part is, that on Friday I don't just have it once, but usually three or four times - and it HURTS!!!  This leaves me to have an extremely tender nether region for an entire day.  It hurts to sit because of another problem that arises from this - and I won't spell it out, but the last syllable is "roid".   It's pretty painful.  Yesterday, at Bingo, I was having a very difficult time - then I came up with an astonishingly good idea.  I have my little cushion that I take with me all the time.  Ted had the idea that I should take a small blanket in with me to give me more cushion.  After having to stand up/ sit down/stand up, I decided to make my blanket into a "donut".  It worked like a charm!!

I  know you didn't want to hear about it.  Ted was a little aghast when he realized what I was writing about.  But, this is my little corner of the world.  This is where I get out my frustrations and such.  I warned you early on - if you read all the way through and are disgusted, it's your own dang fault!!!