Life sucks right now. Everything about it. OK, not everything - but, it just feels like it right now, to the point I am taking for granted that things are not as bad as they seem. Well, most things aren't. But, the problem is, my perception that life sucks so bad is causing me to break down into tears pretty consistently. I am not one that cries so much - other than at stupid commercials and such. I hate to cry. I won't go to a movie that I think will make me cry, because I hate to cry.
Why does life suck so bad??? I hate my job. I totally hate my job. But, how can I hate a job that I love? I absolutely have loved my career and now how can I just truly hate it?? There are a lot of factors that go into it; betrayal, ingratitude, non-trust, stupidity, the list can go on and on and on and on. We are in a constant state of upheaval and nobody seems to care. The people that do the job, the people that have done the job, the people with the knowledge of what it takes to do the job are being discounted as if they have no clue. The people who have the power are not listening - unfortunately, the people with the power have no idea what they are doing to the people - the people I love, the people I care for. I just want to go to the rooftops and yell "HELLO YOU STUPID ASSES!!!!! IF YOU COULD GET PAST YOUR STUPID EGO FOR A MINUTE AND BE THE LEADER(S) YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU WOULD JUST SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO THE PEOPLE WHO KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING!!!". I am literally to a point that I don't know if I can do it anymore. I have set my plans into motion and I at this point can see no reason not to follow those plans. The sad thing is - I doubt "the asses" care - they would be happy to "attrit" the position - at this point, I am nothing but a number that they would love to be rid of. You have given us thirty years of your life? Really - don't let the door hit ya in the ass, we really would love to use your salary to fill in some holes.
To top of that stress, there is the stress of my mom. Two months ago, she had open-heart surgery. We knew there was going to be a recovery time and I was not worried about her. Then the set back happened and she ended up back in the hospital with pneumonia and the stress of the pneumonia caused a heart attack - anyway, that is the theory. She was in ICU for a week and a regular room for another week. Right now she is in a rehab facility until she can take care of herself again. She is a strong little old lady, but, she is still almost 84 years old. My first taste of the fact that she may actually be mortal was seeing her in the ICU and really, honestly not knowing whether or not she was going to live through this set back. She showed us all though, she is getting stronger every day - will she ever be what she was, maybe or maybe not, won't know until we see the future.
Compounding all this is just normal everyday life. And this has made me sit and bawl more than I have in years. On my birthday, I sat in tears most of the night - all because I didn't get the hamburger I wanted. Today, I bawled all the way home when I got my feelings hurt over something silly - I actually hung up on my son because my feelings got hurt and I think I have only done that maybe twice in my life before to other people (that doesn't count the people I have hung up on work because they were abusive and really didn't need my help - and I have tried to avoid that at all costs)
My point is, I hate crying so this phase definitely needs to be DONE AND OVER!!!
Why does life suck so bad??? I hate my job. I totally hate my job. But, how can I hate a job that I love? I absolutely have loved my career and now how can I just truly hate it?? There are a lot of factors that go into it; betrayal, ingratitude, non-trust, stupidity, the list can go on and on and on and on. We are in a constant state of upheaval and nobody seems to care. The people that do the job, the people that have done the job, the people with the knowledge of what it takes to do the job are being discounted as if they have no clue. The people who have the power are not listening - unfortunately, the people with the power have no idea what they are doing to the people - the people I love, the people I care for. I just want to go to the rooftops and yell "HELLO YOU STUPID ASSES!!!!! IF YOU COULD GET PAST YOUR STUPID EGO FOR A MINUTE AND BE THE LEADER(S) YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU WOULD JUST SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO THE PEOPLE WHO KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING!!!". I am literally to a point that I don't know if I can do it anymore. I have set my plans into motion and I at this point can see no reason not to follow those plans. The sad thing is - I doubt "the asses" care - they would be happy to "attrit" the position - at this point, I am nothing but a number that they would love to be rid of. You have given us thirty years of your life? Really - don't let the door hit ya in the ass, we really would love to use your salary to fill in some holes.
To top of that stress, there is the stress of my mom. Two months ago, she had open-heart surgery. We knew there was going to be a recovery time and I was not worried about her. Then the set back happened and she ended up back in the hospital with pneumonia and the stress of the pneumonia caused a heart attack - anyway, that is the theory. She was in ICU for a week and a regular room for another week. Right now she is in a rehab facility until she can take care of herself again. She is a strong little old lady, but, she is still almost 84 years old. My first taste of the fact that she may actually be mortal was seeing her in the ICU and really, honestly not knowing whether or not she was going to live through this set back. She showed us all though, she is getting stronger every day - will she ever be what she was, maybe or maybe not, won't know until we see the future.
Compounding all this is just normal everyday life. And this has made me sit and bawl more than I have in years. On my birthday, I sat in tears most of the night - all because I didn't get the hamburger I wanted. Today, I bawled all the way home when I got my feelings hurt over something silly - I actually hung up on my son because my feelings got hurt and I think I have only done that maybe twice in my life before to other people (that doesn't count the people I have hung up on work because they were abusive and really didn't need my help - and I have tried to avoid that at all costs)
My point is, I hate crying so this phase definitely needs to be DONE AND OVER!!!
I hate that you are so unhappy. I wish I could fix it. I am willing to run people over. Or take them camping! I love you and I hope it gets better soon!
ReplyDeleteEH - I'll survive. Always have always will!!
DeleteSo sad for you. :( (see? you can tell from my emoticon frowny face how sad I am for you). But seriously . . . I know the feelings, and it's a rough place to be. Unfortunately, I believe the only things that can fix them are either a huge lifestyle change - and don't look back - or hang in there and time will sloooooowly help it all to pass. Neither are easy options, I admit.
ReplyDeleteThanks Amberly - I got a plan. Just a hard thing to face that you may have to leave the thing you have done and thing you have loved for most of your life. I guess what happens and when it happens is when it's meant to happen.
DeleteIt is a terrifying feeling that I may have to walk away from what I have known forever and go to the unknown. Who knows. But, thanks for your thoughts. I really do thank you!! :)
DeleteOh Colleen . . . you have NO IDEA exactly how much I'm feeling just like you're feeling right now. I've been thinking it through and the best word I can come up with is: Disheartened. Not a good place to be.
DeleteI, too, have a plan. I just hope and pray to God I don't have to put it into action. :\
Amberly, I am so sorry. I can't believe one or two people have the power to mess all of our lives up - and without a conscious thought about it. It breaks my heart. I have been there for thirty years and that means nothing. I feel for you and I am so sorry!!
DeleteOh Colleenie, I am soooo sorry!! I too will not watch a movie if I know it's going to be sad. (The Notebook) I want happy movies!!
ReplyDeleteInstead of going all the way up to the roof, can you maybe stop b4 you get there & yell "hey stupid asses"?? Just say'n. As my eyes are finally open & I see that no matter what I do in this chair, it is not appreciated. I feel like I have been slapped in the face & my working conditions may never get better, unless I pack up my stuff & go someplace else. This job is stressfull enough. I don't need the added stress of knowing some people just don't give a rats @ss of my working conditions.
I hope your mom recovers quickly. It's so hard to see your love one's growing old.
Love ya big.
Actually, Nat, it is appreciated. It is by me, by Roxann and by the other supervisors. It's just tough right now - and hold out - hopefully things will change, just not sure when.
Delete