CoCo's Journey - Four Months

It's been four months, today, since I had my gastric bypass reversed.  In four days, it will be four years since I had that bypass to begin with.  So, I'm giving an update.

First off, I'm expressing how it's affected me mentally.  In my brain, I feel like I never got to enjoy or relish being a smaller size.  Maybe for a minute or two, but not real feeling young, healthy, sexy, fabulous.  And I was far from feeling strong.  This messed with me mentally.  I had done the bypass to lose weight to get my knee replaced.  But, inside my brain, I was actually looking forward to a smaller version of me - being wild and free; able to walk, not feeling like a blob.  I went from that blob to a skeleton.

My BEFORE picture

I went home after having my gastric bypass to having diarrhea for four years straight.  And some days, it was worse than others.  I steadily got weaker and weaker.  Which I thought was due to my very first Covid experience two months after surgery.  But, it wasn't.  I powered through.  Even though I would get sudden weakness walking and lightheaded.  

In October, I got my knee replaced.  It went well, until November 19; while trying to make myself a Cup-a-Soup I was so weak I couldn't hold the glass mug and dropped it and it shattered.  My daughter yelled at me to go sit down and she would take care of it.  I walked about ten feet into the living room and my legs completely collapsed.  There was no strength.  That's where the paramedics found me, on the floor having collapsed on my brand-new knee and everything else.  That is the first time anyone had said "malnutrition" to me.  That's what the ER told me my problem was.  

I saw my "eat peanut butter" primary a few times until he finally sent me to a specialist months later because of bad liver numbers in my blood count.  Those same numbers that kept getting worse and worse every month.  But, on a follow-up with my bypass surgeon, we made the decision to do TPN and get some nutrition into my body.  It worked wonders and I was ready to go back to work after six months from having my knee replaced.  I was feeling great.  I was at a good weight, around 120.  Things were turning around.

Probably one of my best skeleton pictures

I had the PICC line removed around ten weeks later.  I did pretty good, until the summer of 2024.  The same old thing started happening.  Weakness.  Lightheaded.  All the above.  That came to a head August 14 when I thought I was having a heart attack.  The ER doctor diagnosed cirrhosis.  I was in the hospital five days.  Left with TPN again.  This time I was attached for almost four months.  Doing great again!!!!  

That lasted only a few months before I was back with the doctor.  Several ER trips.  Trying to make a plan.  My liver guy and I decided that a reversal was the best thing.  I needed albumin infusions.  I needed a feeding tube, because I wasn't a good candidate for TPN due to the liver disease.  There was so much red tape and fighting.  It took two months to figure out how to get my feeding tube.  So, after too many weeks of my liver doctor trying to get help in getting me taken care of, I had the brilliant idea of going to my gastro surgeon - they order that shizz all the time.

When the gastro surgeon walked in to talk to me, I thought I was going to have to fight him about the reversal.  The first words out of his mouth were, "you can't keep going on like this".  But, I had to get healthy enough for surgery first.  I was already doing the albumin infusions.  They got me scheduled for my nasal feeding tube - I was gorgeous!!!  The first one failed within days, pulled it out myself.  The second one failed five days before surgery, pulled it out myself (that was reallllly gross).  Four weeks later, I was pronounced well enough for surgery, had to jump through the hoops for insurance.  Three weeks later, was scheduled for surgery.  

After surgery I was supposed to do only liquids for a week.  I was so not patient.  I wanted food.  So day five, I was experimenting with not liquids, but soft stuff.  From there I moved on.  I gained and I gained fast.  Really fast.  I've gained forty pounds in the four months.  I am working to stay grounded at that level.  I go up and down in the same five pounds.  I journal what I eat so I can keep track of the calories.  I try to stay under 2200 calories for maintenance.  Am I perfect everyday??  NOPE!!  But I'm doing my best.  

So how am I doing??

Physically - I feel great.  I feel strong.  I feel healthy.  I run around the airport like nobody's business. I'm truly on my feet and running at least six of my eight hours.  I average in my eight-hour shift over 10,000 steps without even trying.  

An all-alone trip to Waikiki.

Mentally - I am a mess.  I feel like I went through so much, and now I'm terrified of gaining too much weight.  Not for appearance, but because it will damage my liver more.   I look in the mirror and think, all those scars and teeny tiny boobs that look like deflated balloons.  And all the rest of the body dysmorphia.  And I really doubt I'll ever get over it.  I hated my body when it was fat.  I hated my body when it was super small.  I hate my body now, because I have to fight with it to stay where it is.  

Is it over?  Nope.  My liver is still diseased.  But, my numbers are better than they have been.  That's a good sign.  I'm anemic, so I'm taking three Iron pills a day.  I'm low on B12, so I take the hugest pill I've ever seen for that of B100.  Am I happy, for the most part.  I'm happy because I'm strong, I have a family that loves me and cares for me, friends who are amazing to me and a job I truly enjoy.  So - yeah, for the most part.  

Thanks for sharing my journey.  If anything changes, I'll update again.  But, right now, I'm going to just keep moving.