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Big Baby!!


So, I tend to have a very sensitive side. It's a side that I don't like to show AT ALL!! A side that when I get my feelings hurt, I just want to hide somewhere and cry.

That's how I felt today. And, really, it was stupid. I hate this side of me. I guess those old inadequacies started to erupt again; those ones where you feel like you're outside, where you aren't part of a group, where you feel like that geeky, awkward kid that has no friends. The part I hate is that I let stupid shit get to me the way I do. Why would I let something so insignificant get to me? I guess I just get frustrated that I work really hard at trying to make everyone happy, I work hard to try to see everyone's side, I am always the devil's advocate; but, it doesn't matter, I still end up getting walked all over at times. And, it's always the stupid stuff that sets me off. Not getting invited to lunch?? Why would that upset me so bad??

I work really hard to not let my emotions show. If I cry, I want it to be at a stupid movie, but not because I am feeling an emotion. If I cry, I want it to be because I am crying with or for someone else, but not because I am feeling an emotion. If I cry, I want it to be because I am sad about someone else's situation, but not because I am feeling an emotion. I don't ever want to cry because I am sad for myself - especially because I was left out of the lunch date. And I really don't want someone to feel pity on me and then do something out of sympathy, either. I don't like to be pitied, I hate that worse than showing emotion!!
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Comments

  1. UnknownAugust 16, 2010 at 5:19 PM

    Colleen, I really think you and I are kindred spirits(only your a little nicer than me). I get the same way next time that happens you call me and WE'LL go out to lunch together! We were talking about crying in line up. I cry when I get super nervous...like when I interviewed with you guys it took everything in me to hold back the tears welling up. Next time you need a hug no matter what you tell me missy!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. NatalieAugust 19, 2010 at 12:23 AM

    Make that 3. I feel the EXACT same way, except I don't cry. I just get pissed & upset & wonder WTH did I do wrong? I've been feeling like that lately about a good friend, but what can I do??
    It really sucks. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who never lets anything bother them. (but I'm not).

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